Welcome to "So, You've Finally Decided to Quit Smoking!" The first thing you'll need to know as a non-smoker is that you've joined an elite club of superior beings. Congratulations!

Now that you've committed to becoming an uptight bore, here are a few tips for fighting off those inevitable nicotine cravings.
   
Pick a Target Date: Choose your target date carefully, and you shouldn’t try to quit during times of great stress. Don't choose holidays or times that you will be spending around your family. Don't choose Fridays. Nights are pretty much out, too. Research has shown that individuals who choose to quit between the years 1967-2043 have extraordinarily low success rates.

Exercise Regularly: Maintaining an active lifestyle can help any smoking cessation program. Just make sure you take an empty bucket to the gym, you're going to need something to carry around your stillborn lung chunks.

Don't Quit Quitting: See, it's a play on words, because usually 'quitting' something is frowned upon in a society that values pursuing something to the end, even if the endeavor proves to be ill-conceived, flawed, or an illegal invasion of another country on false pretenses. In the unlikely event that this powerful, God-like maxim proves insufficient, here's another one you can utilize in an emergency: "Everybody Loves a Quitter." It's another play on words because usually nobody loves a quitter, but now that you've quit smoking, you've become a perfect person, admired by friends and revered by strangers. Soon, they're all going to love you.  You'll show them.  You'll fucking show them all.

Quitting Smoking Timeline:

Days 1-3: Initial flushing of nicotine from the bloodstream causes irritability, queasiness, and tremors that will make it difficult to sign your name.

Week 1: Sense of smell returns, allowing you to finally tell off those assholes you thought were your fucking 'friends' because now you can smell their bullshit a mile away. Some mild irritability may remain.

Weeks 2-4: Lung capacity increases up to 30%, breathing becomes easier, allowing you to clearly speak the words. "Jesus Christ, I Just. Want. To. Fucking.  Smoke."

Weeks 6-8: New habits begin to form, such as filling your bathtub with instant mashed potato flakes, turning the faucet on full stream, and leaving the apartment for days.

Weeks 7-9: Cilia regenerate in lungs, causing beautiful strangers to throw you into public bathrooms and perform complimentary oral sex on you.

Weeks 10-15: Third eye begins to open. Your ability to communicate telepathically strengthens. Angel wings sprout as blinding consciousness overtakes your world, allowing you free and unobstructed dominion over all things, natural and man-made. Taste buds regain sensitivity.

4 Months: Are you still harping on the fact that you're not smoking? For the love of God, get over yourself.

6 Months: A return to the partying lifestyle and a sense of naïve arrogance convince you that you are only a social smoker.

6 Months and 2 Days: Back to a pack a day. You hate yourself more than ever.

Four Years: You buy this quitting smoking program again, determined to successfully fail again.